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I am, a boyfriend.

Thursday, September 24, 2009 11:30 PM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 2 comments

In this role, I'm a boyfriend.


Today. After my sole class ended at 9pm. I absentmindedly got on the buses and the trains, to get to Sunway Pyramid. The purpose was to see my girlfriend, whom I have not seen, or seriously talked to, for a month. I reached at a little over 10am. I wandered around aimlessly. Wondering what I should be doing when I finally see her again.

I didn't really need to ask myself that. When I saw her the first thing I wanted to do was to hold her in my arms. Well, not whilst still in the middle of the walkway, so we did it... in the middle of the walkway further down! XD

Having her close to me is the best feeling ever. Whenever I have her close, I really know how much I actually love her. To hold her close and not let go. To be under the bliss of being in love is a scary, yet so fulfilling. Having this feeling renewed is like being on a permanent sugar high.

I've always preached that to love is to unconditionally give and hope the same is true from your partner, however I've realized that I myself weren't doing that until I understood what it really meant until recently. Unconditionally giving isn't enough, you'd have to receive and appreciate what was given to you, this makes you give even more than what you can give individually. It kinds of snowballs into this giant ball of love that's almost unstoppable.

Thanks again dear. For this awesomest day.

P/S: That's a lot of "loves" for one post. A record! Love you dear.

Of What, Am I?

Monday, September 21, 2009 6:08 AM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 1 comments

It has been awhile since I've typed out my blogposts out on notepad first before I put it up.

My girlfriend was worried for me that I was tired of the relationship, that I was tired of her. I would like to dedicate some space on this little corner to her.

I love you. I can't be the gangster boyfriend with the fearless attitude; I can't be the romantic boyfriend that writes you poems; I can't be the reliable boyfriend that can give you a shoulder to cry on when you're upset; I can't be the prince that can give you accessibility to the things you'd want. I can only be myself. I'm not in any of those categories.

I'm not there when you need me; I can't help when I'm there; I never bought you anything you vocally wanted; I never wrote to you anything romantic; I'm a wimp that doesn't even dare to speak to you openly anymore. All I do is look for a corner and whimper. I'm not awesome. Not at all. To be honest I'm scared shitless everytime you mention that I am.

However, from the first time we met; the first time you put your head on my shoulders; the first time I put my hand unto the small of your back; the first time we held hands; the first time we kissed. I felt complete. I can't be any of those things and yet you've accepted me. You are much, much more awesome than I can ever be. I'm very grateful for that.

There are many things that I've said to you before but there is always something that I've always neglected to tell you. Something far less complex than "I love you", something far less romantic.

Thank you, dear. For letting me be your boyfriend.

August 25th

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 3:18 AM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 1 comments

I'm in a slump. I know what to do, but I've lost most if not all motivation to continue. I can't believe all this is because of an unfortunate event on that date. I can't think rationally, my finances are in the dumps, I'm struggling to fit back into my college life. I can't go back to my original life of a loner. I can't go back to arcades and relief stress, it just doesn't work anymore. I can't write. I can't speak. I have no outlet. Not even this place. I'm trapped in my own rational mind, thinking up million of possibilities of what could've happened and what can happen in the future.


Yet, this is not affecting me because I was chided, not because I was deemed the origin of all the problems. The fact that really hurt me was the realization that I -am- the origin of the troubles. The fact that if I didn't intrude, the circumstances of which are true now would not be. I would not be hurt by the realization that the consequences of my idiocy hurt others, especially someone so important. It serves to remind me how much of a human I am. As well as how stupid, how idiotic I am to trust emotions over the rational mind.

Despite reassurances. All that have happened to me was just a couple of sleepless nights and wandering minds. I have cracked someone else's family portrait, a crack that isn't easy to fill. I have caused trust to be discarded, trust that wasn't easily earned. I'm wrecked with guilt, guilt that is shared. In the end, what I've done was inexcusable, with the only saving grace being the knowledge that I am loved. I do not know for sure whether it was worth anything or even if it will be worth anything.

I do know however, that the choice of falling, and a perpetual one at that, is a wonderful feeling. To feel the air rush up to my face, the sound of the wind that viciously whirls by my ears, the feeling of bliss as the wind embraces my body. To lose control, to let gravity gently tug at your heart. All this, even for a moment that is pretending to be an eternity, is worth everything that I can ever have.

Will I meet the ground?

I love you dear. I don't know how long this moment will last, but as long as it continues to will itself to be an eternity. I shall continue to love you, for an eternity, however short or long that may be. We'll be together soon. I'll keep that as a reminder, to wait till the wind sweeps me up again. This time, you'll be in my arms.

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