Hallucinations

Thank another you for another lone comment. I have opened the comments section for all anonymous and known users as per your observative judgement has advised.

Recently, I've actually asked someone if she would oppose to me trying to win her favour. Permission for courtship, if you'd prefer. It ended horrendously, at least on my side of the thing. It was a subtle rejection, we could still be friends and nothing was ruined. Until 6th of November, Tuesday. Curious? Let's put that on the backburner for a bit while I rattle off to other things.

The examinations for senior highschool is here. 2 more days and I think I have to start writing apology letters to my parents for having failed them miserably. Looking on the bright side, I might not fail entirely and get several A's. Not the amount specified for a Nobel Prize or a scholarship to Cambridge but it will do, explicitly for me and me alone. I wish all those who will be sitting for these examinations all good wishes and best of health.

I realized what friends were for in the weeks preceding these forthcoming exams. There are not there for you to fall back on in case of emotional breakdowns, they're not meant for that. Neither are they pillars on which you can base your palace of moralities on. Nope. They're there because they're there. Because we are all alone at heart, we desire companionship. Simple but unrealized fact. However, I shall warn any potential readers, that the more we dwell on the fact that we seek companionship, the more painful our existance become. Tis' an elastic relationship we are looking at. The more we think we don't really need companions, the harder the truth hits that we actually need companions. I'm now trapped.

Once again, the polaric vision that I have disclosed earlier (Very much so, around a year back.) Seems particularly true (When responding to myself, a larger sample space was unavailable to me.) when the matter of human social interactions are concerned. The idea of cognitive mental capabilities state that people classes quantitatives (e.g humans, objects or speech) into sub-groups that can be identified by the person in question. With humans it is criterions such as skin color, language and/or/notwithstanding to actions. However, I have found articulation in particular especially engaging. Though I personally rarely engage in idle chatter, I have found that even idle chatter is classified into sub-groups, perhaps unconsciously. Glimpses of these characterizations are noticeable if attention is concentrated (via introspection, although not perfect, is the only method available to me.) when speaking or listening.

This means that I'm adding to my earlier thinking of working with polaric versions of reality. Instead of polaric extremes, it is safe to assume that reality belongs in sub-groups according to enviromental or psychological factors. With enviromental factors being culture, social standards or generally accepted biases and psychological being an egocentric methology of grouping according to personal understanding (either shaped or unshaped by the enviroment.). What this changes, is the whole idea of exptreme polarity in thinking, yet maintaining a central and needed section of it: The inexistance of a grey area. With this newfound generality, there might be a reason for me to remember exactly the words and tones used in important conversations for intro or retropection in order to find something intricate in human nature of thinking.

The process of thought is not as simple as anyone thinks it is, no one even knows if thinking and learning is explainable in biological or behaviouristic means. All we can do is to hold on to our existing beliefs and hope for more empirical evidence which doesn't explain a whole lot. Not that much of the general public care for evidence, we are a gullible lot that put beliefs without evidence (also known as "faith") in front of those with evidence and exclaims their overwhelming righteousness (of their own experiences) without checking their integrity as a whole. Yet we remain ignorant of this most basic of facts.

Mayhaps it is better to be ignorant, to be unwary of ignorance, to be woefully binded with earthly worries. What are we but organisms which only ultimate goal is to survive and triumph in our own social class. How does the scientists that do not realize their impact in the future continue to do research that benefits no one of that period? No one knows, I do not want to know either. Perhaps fueled by anger, fear of losing or self-realization. Maybe it's just the need to know, the curiousity that killed many proverbial cats. For me, it's all the above.

This was made to simply test how easy it is to switch settings for a same activity. Not more than 50 words were changed or added. Assasination is still the activity, but it is now a modern setting. If more elaboration was in the previous version I'm pretty sure it'll be harder to convert.

My undershirt sticked to my back from the perspiration, my breathing heavy, my chest rising and falling rapidly. On the contuary, I was ready. Carefully, my fingers slid out to caress the trigger, the stock firmly in contact with my shoulder. Too predictable, a held rifle must be firmly fixed in place, all covers are restricted to the range. Too limited was my choices, too obvious my line of attack. This would be my last kill with such an dangerous method. I was to be accepted into a circle in which my life would start anew. My excitement laid with this vision, a vision that would be realized after this one and final kill. I felt my hand clutching the stock with excitement, my breathing steadied, my heart stopped. I looked through the scope, identified my target once more and pulled the trigger.

The moon shone lightly on the speeding bullet before it entered sharply into the neck of an elite guard. No sound came from his mouth, shock had not reached his facial expressions, the bullet had severed the guard's trachea and larynx, cutting off all nerve signals to the brain. A successful kill, had any sound escaped from his mouth, any sudden jerks of movement, I would've failed, my creed broken, my esteem shattered. I would accept no less from myself. The final deed was complete, the petty kills will not continue for any longer. Before anybody even noticed the missing guard, I would have wiped away all traces, Even a slight detail such as perspiration will not be overlooked. I shall be perfect. For all my previous kills was. For I know, from this point on, there cannot be any more imperfections, any slight mistake, none that I have done before, will kill me.

I left without haste, the only evidence of my existence being that deadly wound on my victim's neck. It would've been usual practice to hid the body, I would not have liked the attention showered onto it. No dead body needed the attention. But tonight, the purpose would be different, this body would mark the beginning of a series of killings, one that would strike fear unto my future targets. Fear, it seems, is very effective in destroying common logic, which makes the hunt so much more interesting, challenging. Fun.

On this night, a new perfect assasin was born.

Whoa! If you can see me now I'm pretty sure you'll be disgusted. I'm licking a popsicle (in an effeminate way :P) with no shirt on and perspiring pretty badly. Well... no.

Today. Class, we're gonna talk about the effects of the heat haze on human minds. Point one, it drives people crazy. Point across. Lesson done. Close, but not quite. It's interesting how a slight chill could gift the thought of ghosts appearance to people, or how a hotter-than-normal day makes people curse (most of the time their own deed.) the irresponsible earthlings for global warming. The interesting part about all this is, they do no part of thinking nor questioning when these thoughts escape from their mouths.

You might not notice it, you might not even admit it, but your mind is very fallible. Don't believe it? Let me rephrase. The brain, yours and also mine, are fallible. Still not convinced? Hey, lemme tell you something, it is researched by psychologists that the human mind is very fallible. Still don't understand? The different phrasing used directly tells your brain what to believe. Because everyone has an ego they won't let go, the first attempt was not so convincing. Because I've put myself on the line, the second attempt sounds slightly more convincing, but nonetheless a personal remark or comment. The 3rd attempt is close to a jackpot, as I've claimed it was researched by psychologists, a non-common thing to study about.

The point of the previous paragraph was evident, the human mind is undoubtedly infinitely fallible, especially in fields where we lack understanding of. We rely on relayed information, be it true or god forbid, false. When data is relayed, it is stored and managed in such a way that makes the person prejudge the conclusion before the facts have all arrived. This in turn creates a paradoxical thing called prejudices that makes hypocrites of us all. The human mind is fallible, but the human will cannot be underestimated, usually prejudices are only held back because of willpower, for the most of us, this willpower is insufficient. The reason for such absurd beliefs like UFOs or ghosts.

There are much advocation of the bolstering for this willpower in this particular field, we do it via logical thought and critical thinking. By thinking critically, that is, asking loads of questions previously thought unnecessary, will help withhold the analysis of incomplete evidence and make way for new information which might or might not complete the big picture. This practice is not new nor is it hard to execute, but most of us tend to misuse it to force our beliefs onto others by extrapolating facts and emphasizing half-truths in our answers. It is expected of such a method because the information is once again relayed, but it helps alot if you utilize the second tool, logical thought. With critical thinking, you gain information; relayed or not; truth or falsities, about the current situation, which you would immediately place together to sort out. But most of the time we would accept the final result of other people's analysis and be done with it. We are naturally lazy to think, that's just the way it is. What we are doing in such a situation is to compromise our own interpretations, our own thoughts and our own judgement to accept others. This skill is not about the shunning of other ideas, but the creation of your own conclusions that precedes over others, by piecing together information from multiple sources as well as conclusions from several viewpoints, we would be able to make judgements that are independant from others yet more truthful to ourselves than most.

This is not an absolute way to make sure there will be no mistakes, as most cases would disallow any possible person to know the truth because of human perceptions being distorted over the airwaves (chinese whispers indeed). However, every little bit of extra integrity from one person to another helps immensely in the game of communication. I myself advocates both of these skills whole-heartedly, unfortunately I still cannot make completely objective judgements on everything I assume I understand. But I certainly am trying to. I just hope that everyone else can as well. Perhaps one day like minded ones can form a group to crash a UFO Expo. What do you think?

My undershirt sticked to my back from the perspiration, my breathing heavy, my chest rising and falling rapidly. On the contuary, I was ready. Carefully, the knife slid out into my hand, the carved ivory handle in contact with my palm. Too predictable, a held knife must be firmly locked in place, all maneuvers' imaginative movements restricted to the arm. Too limited was my moveset, too obvious my line of attack. This would be my last kill with such an antique method. I was to be accepted into a circle in which my life would start anew. My excitement laid with this vision, a vision that would be realized after this one and final kill. I felt the ivory carvings etched into my palm, my breathing steadied, my heart stopped.

The moon shone lightly on the finely honed blade of the ivory knife before it plunged sharply into the neck of an elite guard. No sound came from his mouth, shock had not reached his facial expressions, the blade pulled through and severed the guard's trachea and larynx, cutting off all nerve signals to the brain. A successful kill, had any sound escaped from his mouth, any sudden jerks of movement, I would've failed, my creed broken, my esteem shattered. I would accept no less from myself. The final deed was complete, the petty kills will not continue for any longer. Before a drip of blood fell from the tip of the knife, it was wiped away with the hood of the guard. Even a slight detail such as drips of blood will not be overlooked. I shall be perfect. For all my previous kills was. For I know, from this point on, there cannot be any more imperfections, any slight mistake, none that I have done before, will kill me.

Without touching the dead body, I left, the only evidence of my existence being that deadly wound on my victim's neck. It would've been usual practice to hid the body, I would not have liked the attention showered onto it. No dead body needed the attention. But tonight, the purpose would be different, this body would mark the beginning of a series of killings, one that would strike fear unto my future targets. Fear, it seems, is very effective in destroying common logic, which makes the hunt so much more interesting, challenging. Fun.

On this night, a new perfect assasin was born.

For all these while, I've always alluded that I was somewhat crazy, schizophrenic, mentally deranged, bipolar or any other psychological illness that can strike a man. The reasons for such allusions were simple yet elusive, but I've finally found it, them. Expectations, I'd call that, they're not an actual responsibility, as I've established with myself that obligations only comes with position in an organized group of people. It is a more elaborated version of peer pressure, focusing on the effects of one who does not crumble under the pressure, there's no official medical logs stating it as an illness, but I believe it is something close to it, not a disease, but an impairment.

One does not need to be in a group to undergo peer pressure nor does one have to be outside of a group to feel his or her links to the appointed group severed. I myself have been a loner for many years, believing in lies called decency and civil responsibilities, before I've found out that such rules did not apply in life, they only apply to a singular person, that is more specifically, yourself. When others did not care for such decencies, there would still be a need for you to follow these self created rules, you will have to, especially for anyone who wishes to be orderly yet somewhat flakey. These needs would soon crush the person in question, will you continue to follow these self-created rules which reeks of nothing but masochism? Or will he throw away the trawl which has covered his true self for years? For me, the answer is unknown, I kept switching between the two, the lines have been blurred, my experimentation bearing bizzare results varying from two opposite poles of the graph. It is not abnormal, it is merely circumstantial, I switch states when it suits me, to my own gain.

In the end, it doesn't matter, these are the unique features that make me, and they shall stay. I once mused that I might be a great assasin, I would leave no trace, no remaining scent. Simply because I am a loner, from birth to death, I will still be one, I have accepted this fact. I will have friends, but only few would accept the terms I give, that I would be left alone. I've preferred to watch them, silently observing, listening, without intruding. Their lives are their own to live. Friends don't watch friends die, I cannot bring myself to recognize that saying as true, what is one to do when the only choice your friend is making are wrong ones? Ignore and watch, the importance of self precedes all others, simply said, let them die.

The sanity report? I'm not insane, I'm just unemotional towards everything in real life. I've seen, heard, felt too much of falsities, I've lost the real me. These salvaged pieces of intellect and conscience is me now. All innocence is lost, long ago. And I'm just fucking 17. What's one to say when one isn't even allowed to drink? What are the necessary falsities that everyone seems to loathe but do all the time. All people wants the truth, no matter how inconceivable, and that is exactly NOT the thing people are being provided with. I'm fed up, I need straight, edgy painful blows to the ribcage to remind me of how real this world made out of lies is. I've gotta get real, there's no way out of this, I'll have to learn to accept it, join in the crowd and expect myself to fit in by chanting what the crowd likes. To hell with individualism.

I must be high on crack. The words are not making sense to me. Like a fellow elder has told me, I think to fast and write too little down, I do not have a logical train of thought, it doesn't matter. No one cares enough for anything to do anything about anything. I declare that I shall be eliminated, no more EMO posts from me anymore, from now on you're only going to see a wall of text staring back at you telling you how much fun I had on the weekend licking a popsicle in 35 degrees celsius with no shirt on. Fuck, I'll need one right now. It's hot as heck.

Something caught me off-guard. Perhaps something like a masked horse-rider carrying a scythe with the purposeful intent of ripping my spine out with the bloody entrails intact. What happens when you can see your eyes gouged out? Or your gut blowing up like a paperbag filled with air like we used to play? Wonder if anybody really did try freezing someone's hand in liquid nitrogen and smashed it with a hammer in front of the owner's eyes. Would the pain to freeze the arm be too much to bear? Might it be the shattering of the hand that set the soul tumbling to it's inevitable end of a million pieces?

Hardly an exaggeration. Just a notation of how someone would feel when he or she have seen the pit of spikes that await his or her feet to step slightly over the edge. Who said that when you reach the bottom the only direction was up? You can surely go down, where hell awaits. Is the realization of the more beautiful than death itself? Perhaps so, perhaps not.

Whatever.

Fazed means alot of things, but all of which relate to the deterrance of certain actions. I'm fazed, for a lot of things, a lot of decisions, for better or for worse. Seems forever when I thought I could be... crazy. Mayhaps I am crazy. Will come back when assessment of sanity is out. :P

That partial of her name was enough to lay siege on my weak soul. Now that I have reinitiated contact with this girl, only the partial of the name remained intact. Fantasies remained as fantasies, with the intrusion of reality, fantasies will be shattered. Fantasies originate from man's imaginations, when imaginations fail. Man feels distraught. Tis' not a bad thing, lest man falls eternally without struggle into his dreams. I wish not to have the same delusions as Icarus have, Daedalus need not have the last laugh (Though he did warn Icarus. I suggest out of care rather than jealousy.). My fascination for this girl still holds true after the passing of many years when compared to the years I have lived, 3 years is a long time when you only lived 17.

There were several... Oddities that I remember distinctly that had happened. All while I was Form 1, because the contact was lost when I was form two. One of them was the lack of audible communication. We rarely spoke. Communication was via a notebook with letters scribbled all over it, I don't remember 80% of what was written, but I do remember I asked her very often (And she to me) whether she wanted sweets, she likes chewing gum for some odd reason. She also brings along some to share, sometimes. If the notebook was still here no doubt it will just evoke a sense of pointless melancholic valour in me. I accept the lost of the memories contained in those papers because I wanted to move on. Seeing her again makes me want to slap myself for losing that small pocketbook. Contradictory? I guess so. I'm like that.

The second one was my constant infatuation with her... errr... Hair. It's weird, but it is the first thing that I notice when I meet anyone of the opposite gender, if she doesn't have nice hair, I stay away. This particular girl was the only one or my peer-age of which the hair I touched. I sound borderline psychotic now. *Mad Laugh*. Of which I actually requested to touch her hair, and proceeded to ask what would've happen if I didn't ask. Now that I think of it, I am crazy. I wonder if I'm cured now. :P

Guess what. I met her again. I even got her phone number, but I dare not approach. Dangerous little game I'm trying to play, especially when I have the mental capacity of a hamster, minus the cuteness. Will my brain end up as a tiny prune when I get all the emotional and intellgence berjabbles drained out of me? I'm such a peabrain. Someone pray tell me that it's normal to find someone you really like but is (Somewhat) unreachable, because I have such an inferiority complex.

"Sometimes, it takes strength to dream"

A dreamer will always wake up and realize what was lost as a tribute to reality. I was such a dreamer. Four years ago, a very fateful day in March, at seven O'clock. I boarded a bus with my home as destination. A Form 1 student, after a long day, in a bus, heading home. As uneventful as it ever can be.

An empty seat. I walked towards it, only to have a senior from my school hold me off. "There's someone there.". I was confused, but I did not question him, all of this was still new to me, a change in enviroment sometimes does that to people. Funny how an empty seat can nag at you for 45 minutes. When a girl suddenly materialized in the seat, everything was demystified. She was sleeping in a weird, uncomfortable position; at least that's how it looked to me, that enabled her to vanish from immediate view. She had a very small frame, smaller than I was then. She had a simple, clean quality about her, a very neat ponytail with a generic white hair clip holding up her bangs. She had a small, rounded face, her eyes were clear and bright, she had very balanced features. She wore the prefect's uniform for a nearby school, a white shirt and a dark, navy blue skirt. Not much was exceptional nor special about her. There was just an air of simplicity about her that attracted me, might I say, very much.

"Who's that?" I asked timidly, I was only thirteen, a very small age. My interest was piqued by the smart and clean look of this girl. My senior was much more than helpful, he introduced me to his friend, this particular girl. The conversation was simple, basic, nothing specific, but through the conversation I had the feeling that the girl was every bit as shy as I was, only the incessant chatterings of my senior broke the ice. Being the inquirer I was, I really failed myself, I returned home that day with only slight information about her, not even her name was in my grasp.
For that particular year, a whole year. It was the same. Work from school did not allow me much time to think about myself. I wasn't exactly a young man looking to score a lady either, there was no reason to socialize, so I didn't. Now I regret every second I had with her that I had kept quiet, every second that I looked away from her face, every second out of her presence. Out of the few conversations I actually initiated with her, I only found out a partial of her name.

PS: Will have more... but... take note that our meeting was neither spectacular nor special -it was to me, enough to be made into a story- to be blessed by the longevity of words, may she be blessed with the beauty for an eternity from my compositions. Wishfully thinking, I hope I can meet her again, perhaps a conversation, perhaps just a glimpse, just a glance... Perhaps, there might be something more; perhaps, there isn't.

To myself and to the world. I am officially 17 years old as of 4th of January 2007.

Year 2006 is now officially over. Thank god, that particular year was a damned sleeper hold with a vengeance. I didn't even realize what I did for the past 8 months, much less having the slightest clue on where I'm headed towards in a few years time. Mayhaps I'll actually be able to secure a Social Psy Course in a local varsity or something, it's prolly close to impossible, but possible, none-the-less.

I'm finally going to have my SPM examinations soon, 11 months to be exact. It only means I'm going to update this blog even more scarcely due to the amount of work I have to do. Have to do, not -will- do. :P

Anyways, that's it for today's filler post. Just for kicks.