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August 25th
I'm in a slump. I know what to do, but I've lost most if not all motivation to continue. I can't believe all this is because of an unfortunate event on that date. I can't think rationally, my finances are in the dumps, I'm struggling to fit back into my college life. I can't go back to my original life of a loner. I can't go back to arcades and relief stress, it just doesn't work anymore. I can't write. I can't speak. I have no outlet. Not even this place. I'm trapped in my own rational mind, thinking up million of possibilities of what could've happened and what can happen in the future.
Yet, this is not affecting me because I was chided, not because I was deemed the origin of all the problems. The fact that really hurt me was the realization that I -am- the origin of the troubles. The fact that if I didn't intrude, the circumstances of which are true now would not be. I would not be hurt by the realization that the consequences of my idiocy hurt others, especially someone so important. It serves to remind me how much of a human I am. As well as how stupid, how idiotic I am to trust emotions over the rational mind.
Despite reassurances. All that have happened to me was just a couple of sleepless nights and wandering minds. I have cracked someone else's family portrait, a crack that isn't easy to fill. I have caused trust to be discarded, trust that wasn't easily earned. I'm wrecked with guilt, guilt that is shared. In the end, what I've done was inexcusable, with the only saving grace being the knowledge that I am loved. I do not know for sure whether it was worth anything or even if it will be worth anything.
I do know however, that the choice of falling, and a perpetual one at that, is a wonderful feeling. To feel the air rush up to my face, the sound of the wind that viciously whirls by my ears, the feeling of bliss as the wind embraces my body. To lose control, to let gravity gently tug at your heart. All this, even for a moment that is pretending to be an eternity, is worth everything that I can ever have.
Will I meet the ground?
I love you dear. I don't know how long this moment will last, but as long as it continues to will itself to be an eternity. I shall continue to love you, for an eternity, however short or long that may be. We'll be together soon. I'll keep that as a reminder, to wait till the wind sweeps me up again. This time, you'll be in my arms.
I love you, perhaps a little irrationally but I love you nonetheless. You're pretty damn awesome for putting up with it <3