Hallucinations

*Insert cue for awkward laugh*

I'm still here! (ba-dum-dum-plish)

That wasn't really a punchline, was it? More like a line that will get you punched.

After that dreadful year working with a call centre, I've decided to call it quits when my contract expiry came up, I'm now official a NEET (Not engaged in Employment, Education or Training). I heard they're in fashion nowadays.

I also got my first birthday cake this year, there weren't any candles, or singing, or wishing, but it was my first birthday cake that I've gotten for my birthday.

Maybe I'll take some of that NEET time to work on this blog. Let me see what I can do.

Crazy, crazy, crazy week.

It's sunday over here in Malaysia, and I'll be staying over at my workplace, trying to clear the backlog of tasks. I didn't take a day off in the last 6 days, even though I did take it easy on my assigned off days which is Thursday and Friday. Today will be the death of me. If my efficiency doesn't go up at least a dozen notches above "Crappy".

Anyways, please allow me to elaborate. I just happen to be working for a Company in Singapore that deals with CableTV. I'm a Call Centre Agent, or those fancy terms like Customer Care Consultant/Customer Service Representative. When you're in this line, you've basically trapped yourself in an Iron Maiden, the nasty ones with the spikes that pierces you when the doors are closed on you.

I'm sure that most Malaysians, or Asians for that matter, would've noticed that there's a football event going on right now, it's called Euro 2008. This is my first La Petite Mort, and no, it isn't about orgasms, I died a little inside. When you work at a call centre, you are expected to try and get as many items done as possible within a certain timeframe. Originally we managed to take all 2500 calls offered before the event started, we thought everything was alright.

Then came the event, being the natural procrastinators we all are, we were ill prepared. Thousands of calls came pouring in starting from the few days before the event itself, requesting for the Pay Per View event, causing havoc all around the call floor. The word Euro 2008, if audited, should've been said at least a million times in the duration of that few days, if not more. We were getting on average 5 thousand calls and more for that week, far exceeding my own expectations, the catch is, we only have the capacity for 3 thousand, at most. If the definition of hell weren't flaming and sodomy, I would've thought it'll be thousands of Singaporeans banging on your doors (Or screaming at the phone), to get you to give them football.

On a side note, I hate football.

Of course, the above event had a significant impact, a very negative one. Staffs are overworked, tired of the mundaneness of dealing with customers hungry for sweaty men on a field chasing a ball. Team morale was on an all-time low due to not being able to foresee any tropical rest islands beyond the waves in the sea of work. We have no idea when we will be heading back to shore. Since May 12, the date the price for the Pay Per View event changed due to an expired promotion, we were all a little dead inside.

Continued soon... Sorries, need to head off to work.

ALLEN WALKER. YOU BASTARD!

I'm pretty sure anyone with an eye or more should be able to see that this blog is almost deserted, posts take months to be updated, no one leave comments etc.

I want to change that. However, I've finally realized things that I should have years ago.

I have no material.

To an artist, nothing pains him so much as to give him inspiration and nothing to draw on. In my case, I have thoughts, words to be spoken. However, no method in preserving them. Therefore you don't see my posts being recollection of memories, because I am incapable. My posts are mere contemplations on recollections. Something anyone with an imagination can do. I have put thoughts into words many times before, however I have not found a solution to one very simple problem a friend pointed out by a penetrating gaze through my works. I think fast, but I write slow. In addition to that, the barrage of thoughts in my head is usually cluttered and unorganized. Hence you see poorly structured sentences.

I get derailed easily.

I write with pen and paper, pencil would be the best, because I enjoy solitude when I use those tools, be it in my own room or a table in a public place. For blog posts, I use my computer. When I use my computer, I can compose a simple prose, only to have it ruined because outsiders are disturbing me. As I type this, 5 minutes ago I was going to write something about Transcience and Ephemeral elements of life. Now I'm ranting. Because I was disturbed. Honestly, if I weren't disturbed by a family member, I'd have shouted profanities. My logical train of thought moves quickly, therefore, derailment is much more severe when it happens.

I have no skills.

To humble any author, put him in a library. I couldn't agree more. I have read pretty much anything from casual compositions to elaborately woven stories of dragons and knights. I find my own writings absolutely horrendous. I believe that horrendous is an understatement. At times I struggle for adjectives, punctuations, even adverbs. This kind of sloppiness should not be tolerated. Even if this is the internet, there's still standards. Being Malaysian doesn't mean I can get away with a lower standard in english. It simply does not work. I cannot lie to myself. Stop telling me I have good english. I don't. As many times I try to convince myself that my english is better than my peers, the same amount of times I would look at fictional stories by other members of the intellectual society and weep.

I am wrong.

In many cases. This is the case. I would end up contradicting myself. In the end it's all bullshit. That's all I'm going to say on this point.

If you've been wondering why I do not update the blog frequently, there you go. Reasons.

I always thought that sharing is for good things like love and money and happiness and crap. Then I realized how selfish people are and that they usually horde those things to themselves. Fortunately I realize that other people are more than glad to share those that aren't theirs. Money from others is thriftly spent, happiness from others is prompt spread, love from others is quickly abused.

Then it's when I realized also that negative aspects of human emotions are also shared as easily. Also, the same rules apply. The victim of any misfortune are usually glad of and understanding they might get and are held down and fastened to their current reality of depression or unhappiness, but the friends and relatives of the victims are usually not burdened by such thoughts, therefore spreading around ways of which to cope. Usually not to the victims, but to the people in the immediate area. Which makes any victim's relatives or friends the targeted area of a tactical nuclear strike that induces all weird ailments starting from depression.

I prefer to keep quiet and restrain the radioactive area to fan out. Doing practical things rather than just talking about it. Next time you see someone being robbed, give the guy a pat on the back, buy him a bottle of water and let him drink and cool down significantly. Then you've helped enough.

It's just my way of showing my support. That's all.

Thank another you for another lone comment. I have opened the comments section for all anonymous and known users as per your observative judgement has advised.

Recently, I've actually asked someone if she would oppose to me trying to win her favour. Permission for courtship, if you'd prefer. It ended horrendously, at least on my side of the thing. It was a subtle rejection, we could still be friends and nothing was ruined. Until 6th of November, Tuesday. Curious? Let's put that on the backburner for a bit while I rattle off to other things.

The examinations for senior highschool is here. 2 more days and I think I have to start writing apology letters to my parents for having failed them miserably. Looking on the bright side, I might not fail entirely and get several A's. Not the amount specified for a Nobel Prize or a scholarship to Cambridge but it will do, explicitly for me and me alone. I wish all those who will be sitting for these examinations all good wishes and best of health.

I realized what friends were for in the weeks preceding these forthcoming exams. There are not there for you to fall back on in case of emotional breakdowns, they're not meant for that. Neither are they pillars on which you can base your palace of moralities on. Nope. They're there because they're there. Because we are all alone at heart, we desire companionship. Simple but unrealized fact. However, I shall warn any potential readers, that the more we dwell on the fact that we seek companionship, the more painful our existance become. Tis' an elastic relationship we are looking at. The more we think we don't really need companions, the harder the truth hits that we actually need companions. I'm now trapped.

Once again, the polaric vision that I have disclosed earlier (Very much so, around a year back.) Seems particularly true (When responding to myself, a larger sample space was unavailable to me.) when the matter of human social interactions are concerned. The idea of cognitive mental capabilities state that people classes quantitatives (e.g humans, objects or speech) into sub-groups that can be identified by the person in question. With humans it is criterions such as skin color, language and/or/notwithstanding to actions. However, I have found articulation in particular especially engaging. Though I personally rarely engage in idle chatter, I have found that even idle chatter is classified into sub-groups, perhaps unconsciously. Glimpses of these characterizations are noticeable if attention is concentrated (via introspection, although not perfect, is the only method available to me.) when speaking or listening.

This means that I'm adding to my earlier thinking of working with polaric versions of reality. Instead of polaric extremes, it is safe to assume that reality belongs in sub-groups according to enviromental or psychological factors. With enviromental factors being culture, social standards or generally accepted biases and psychological being an egocentric methology of grouping according to personal understanding (either shaped or unshaped by the enviroment.). What this changes, is the whole idea of exptreme polarity in thinking, yet maintaining a central and needed section of it: The inexistance of a grey area. With this newfound generality, there might be a reason for me to remember exactly the words and tones used in important conversations for intro or retropection in order to find something intricate in human nature of thinking.

The process of thought is not as simple as anyone thinks it is, no one even knows if thinking and learning is explainable in biological or behaviouristic means. All we can do is to hold on to our existing beliefs and hope for more empirical evidence which doesn't explain a whole lot. Not that much of the general public care for evidence, we are a gullible lot that put beliefs without evidence (also known as "faith") in front of those with evidence and exclaims their overwhelming righteousness (of their own experiences) without checking their integrity as a whole. Yet we remain ignorant of this most basic of facts.

Mayhaps it is better to be ignorant, to be unwary of ignorance, to be woefully binded with earthly worries. What are we but organisms which only ultimate goal is to survive and triumph in our own social class. How does the scientists that do not realize their impact in the future continue to do research that benefits no one of that period? No one knows, I do not want to know either. Perhaps fueled by anger, fear of losing or self-realization. Maybe it's just the need to know, the curiousity that killed many proverbial cats. For me, it's all the above.

This was made to simply test how easy it is to switch settings for a same activity. Not more than 50 words were changed or added. Assasination is still the activity, but it is now a modern setting. If more elaboration was in the previous version I'm pretty sure it'll be harder to convert.

My undershirt sticked to my back from the perspiration, my breathing heavy, my chest rising and falling rapidly. On the contuary, I was ready. Carefully, my fingers slid out to caress the trigger, the stock firmly in contact with my shoulder. Too predictable, a held rifle must be firmly fixed in place, all covers are restricted to the range. Too limited was my choices, too obvious my line of attack. This would be my last kill with such an dangerous method. I was to be accepted into a circle in which my life would start anew. My excitement laid with this vision, a vision that would be realized after this one and final kill. I felt my hand clutching the stock with excitement, my breathing steadied, my heart stopped. I looked through the scope, identified my target once more and pulled the trigger.

The moon shone lightly on the speeding bullet before it entered sharply into the neck of an elite guard. No sound came from his mouth, shock had not reached his facial expressions, the bullet had severed the guard's trachea and larynx, cutting off all nerve signals to the brain. A successful kill, had any sound escaped from his mouth, any sudden jerks of movement, I would've failed, my creed broken, my esteem shattered. I would accept no less from myself. The final deed was complete, the petty kills will not continue for any longer. Before anybody even noticed the missing guard, I would have wiped away all traces, Even a slight detail such as perspiration will not be overlooked. I shall be perfect. For all my previous kills was. For I know, from this point on, there cannot be any more imperfections, any slight mistake, none that I have done before, will kill me.

I left without haste, the only evidence of my existence being that deadly wound on my victim's neck. It would've been usual practice to hid the body, I would not have liked the attention showered onto it. No dead body needed the attention. But tonight, the purpose would be different, this body would mark the beginning of a series of killings, one that would strike fear unto my future targets. Fear, it seems, is very effective in destroying common logic, which makes the hunt so much more interesting, challenging. Fun.

On this night, a new perfect assasin was born.

Whoa! If you can see me now I'm pretty sure you'll be disgusted. I'm licking a popsicle (in an effeminate way :P) with no shirt on and perspiring pretty badly. Well... no.

Today. Class, we're gonna talk about the effects of the heat haze on human minds. Point one, it drives people crazy. Point across. Lesson done. Close, but not quite. It's interesting how a slight chill could gift the thought of ghosts appearance to people, or how a hotter-than-normal day makes people curse (most of the time their own deed.) the irresponsible earthlings for global warming. The interesting part about all this is, they do no part of thinking nor questioning when these thoughts escape from their mouths.

You might not notice it, you might not even admit it, but your mind is very fallible. Don't believe it? Let me rephrase. The brain, yours and also mine, are fallible. Still not convinced? Hey, lemme tell you something, it is researched by psychologists that the human mind is very fallible. Still don't understand? The different phrasing used directly tells your brain what to believe. Because everyone has an ego they won't let go, the first attempt was not so convincing. Because I've put myself on the line, the second attempt sounds slightly more convincing, but nonetheless a personal remark or comment. The 3rd attempt is close to a jackpot, as I've claimed it was researched by psychologists, a non-common thing to study about.

The point of the previous paragraph was evident, the human mind is undoubtedly infinitely fallible, especially in fields where we lack understanding of. We rely on relayed information, be it true or god forbid, false. When data is relayed, it is stored and managed in such a way that makes the person prejudge the conclusion before the facts have all arrived. This in turn creates a paradoxical thing called prejudices that makes hypocrites of us all. The human mind is fallible, but the human will cannot be underestimated, usually prejudices are only held back because of willpower, for the most of us, this willpower is insufficient. The reason for such absurd beliefs like UFOs or ghosts.

There are much advocation of the bolstering for this willpower in this particular field, we do it via logical thought and critical thinking. By thinking critically, that is, asking loads of questions previously thought unnecessary, will help withhold the analysis of incomplete evidence and make way for new information which might or might not complete the big picture. This practice is not new nor is it hard to execute, but most of us tend to misuse it to force our beliefs onto others by extrapolating facts and emphasizing half-truths in our answers. It is expected of such a method because the information is once again relayed, but it helps alot if you utilize the second tool, logical thought. With critical thinking, you gain information; relayed or not; truth or falsities, about the current situation, which you would immediately place together to sort out. But most of the time we would accept the final result of other people's analysis and be done with it. We are naturally lazy to think, that's just the way it is. What we are doing in such a situation is to compromise our own interpretations, our own thoughts and our own judgement to accept others. This skill is not about the shunning of other ideas, but the creation of your own conclusions that precedes over others, by piecing together information from multiple sources as well as conclusions from several viewpoints, we would be able to make judgements that are independant from others yet more truthful to ourselves than most.

This is not an absolute way to make sure there will be no mistakes, as most cases would disallow any possible person to know the truth because of human perceptions being distorted over the airwaves (chinese whispers indeed). However, every little bit of extra integrity from one person to another helps immensely in the game of communication. I myself advocates both of these skills whole-heartedly, unfortunately I still cannot make completely objective judgements on everything I assume I understand. But I certainly am trying to. I just hope that everyone else can as well. Perhaps one day like minded ones can form a group to crash a UFO Expo. What do you think?

My undershirt sticked to my back from the perspiration, my breathing heavy, my chest rising and falling rapidly. On the contuary, I was ready. Carefully, the knife slid out into my hand, the carved ivory handle in contact with my palm. Too predictable, a held knife must be firmly locked in place, all maneuvers' imaginative movements restricted to the arm. Too limited was my moveset, too obvious my line of attack. This would be my last kill with such an antique method. I was to be accepted into a circle in which my life would start anew. My excitement laid with this vision, a vision that would be realized after this one and final kill. I felt the ivory carvings etched into my palm, my breathing steadied, my heart stopped.

The moon shone lightly on the finely honed blade of the ivory knife before it plunged sharply into the neck of an elite guard. No sound came from his mouth, shock had not reached his facial expressions, the blade pulled through and severed the guard's trachea and larynx, cutting off all nerve signals to the brain. A successful kill, had any sound escaped from his mouth, any sudden jerks of movement, I would've failed, my creed broken, my esteem shattered. I would accept no less from myself. The final deed was complete, the petty kills will not continue for any longer. Before a drip of blood fell from the tip of the knife, it was wiped away with the hood of the guard. Even a slight detail such as drips of blood will not be overlooked. I shall be perfect. For all my previous kills was. For I know, from this point on, there cannot be any more imperfections, any slight mistake, none that I have done before, will kill me.

Without touching the dead body, I left, the only evidence of my existence being that deadly wound on my victim's neck. It would've been usual practice to hid the body, I would not have liked the attention showered onto it. No dead body needed the attention. But tonight, the purpose would be different, this body would mark the beginning of a series of killings, one that would strike fear unto my future targets. Fear, it seems, is very effective in destroying common logic, which makes the hunt so much more interesting, challenging. Fun.

On this night, a new perfect assasin was born.

For all these while, I've always alluded that I was somewhat crazy, schizophrenic, mentally deranged, bipolar or any other psychological illness that can strike a man. The reasons for such allusions were simple yet elusive, but I've finally found it, them. Expectations, I'd call that, they're not an actual responsibility, as I've established with myself that obligations only comes with position in an organized group of people. It is a more elaborated version of peer pressure, focusing on the effects of one who does not crumble under the pressure, there's no official medical logs stating it as an illness, but I believe it is something close to it, not a disease, but an impairment.

One does not need to be in a group to undergo peer pressure nor does one have to be outside of a group to feel his or her links to the appointed group severed. I myself have been a loner for many years, believing in lies called decency and civil responsibilities, before I've found out that such rules did not apply in life, they only apply to a singular person, that is more specifically, yourself. When others did not care for such decencies, there would still be a need for you to follow these self created rules, you will have to, especially for anyone who wishes to be orderly yet somewhat flakey. These needs would soon crush the person in question, will you continue to follow these self-created rules which reeks of nothing but masochism? Or will he throw away the trawl which has covered his true self for years? For me, the answer is unknown, I kept switching between the two, the lines have been blurred, my experimentation bearing bizzare results varying from two opposite poles of the graph. It is not abnormal, it is merely circumstantial, I switch states when it suits me, to my own gain.

In the end, it doesn't matter, these are the unique features that make me, and they shall stay. I once mused that I might be a great assasin, I would leave no trace, no remaining scent. Simply because I am a loner, from birth to death, I will still be one, I have accepted this fact. I will have friends, but only few would accept the terms I give, that I would be left alone. I've preferred to watch them, silently observing, listening, without intruding. Their lives are their own to live. Friends don't watch friends die, I cannot bring myself to recognize that saying as true, what is one to do when the only choice your friend is making are wrong ones? Ignore and watch, the importance of self precedes all others, simply said, let them die.

The sanity report? I'm not insane, I'm just unemotional towards everything in real life. I've seen, heard, felt too much of falsities, I've lost the real me. These salvaged pieces of intellect and conscience is me now. All innocence is lost, long ago. And I'm just fucking 17. What's one to say when one isn't even allowed to drink? What are the necessary falsities that everyone seems to loathe but do all the time. All people wants the truth, no matter how inconceivable, and that is exactly NOT the thing people are being provided with. I'm fed up, I need straight, edgy painful blows to the ribcage to remind me of how real this world made out of lies is. I've gotta get real, there's no way out of this, I'll have to learn to accept it, join in the crowd and expect myself to fit in by chanting what the crowd likes. To hell with individualism.

I must be high on crack. The words are not making sense to me. Like a fellow elder has told me, I think to fast and write too little down, I do not have a logical train of thought, it doesn't matter. No one cares enough for anything to do anything about anything. I declare that I shall be eliminated, no more EMO posts from me anymore, from now on you're only going to see a wall of text staring back at you telling you how much fun I had on the weekend licking a popsicle in 35 degrees celsius with no shirt on. Fuck, I'll need one right now. It's hot as heck.

Something caught me off-guard. Perhaps something like a masked horse-rider carrying a scythe with the purposeful intent of ripping my spine out with the bloody entrails intact. What happens when you can see your eyes gouged out? Or your gut blowing up like a paperbag filled with air like we used to play? Wonder if anybody really did try freezing someone's hand in liquid nitrogen and smashed it with a hammer in front of the owner's eyes. Would the pain to freeze the arm be too much to bear? Might it be the shattering of the hand that set the soul tumbling to it's inevitable end of a million pieces?

Hardly an exaggeration. Just a notation of how someone would feel when he or she have seen the pit of spikes that await his or her feet to step slightly over the edge. Who said that when you reach the bottom the only direction was up? You can surely go down, where hell awaits. Is the realization of the more beautiful than death itself? Perhaps so, perhaps not.

Whatever.

Fazed means alot of things, but all of which relate to the deterrance of certain actions. I'm fazed, for a lot of things, a lot of decisions, for better or for worse. Seems forever when I thought I could be... crazy. Mayhaps I am crazy. Will come back when assessment of sanity is out. :P

That partial of her name was enough to lay siege on my weak soul. Now that I have reinitiated contact with this girl, only the partial of the name remained intact. Fantasies remained as fantasies, with the intrusion of reality, fantasies will be shattered. Fantasies originate from man's imaginations, when imaginations fail. Man feels distraught. Tis' not a bad thing, lest man falls eternally without struggle into his dreams. I wish not to have the same delusions as Icarus have, Daedalus need not have the last laugh (Though he did warn Icarus. I suggest out of care rather than jealousy.). My fascination for this girl still holds true after the passing of many years when compared to the years I have lived, 3 years is a long time when you only lived 17.

There were several... Oddities that I remember distinctly that had happened. All while I was Form 1, because the contact was lost when I was form two. One of them was the lack of audible communication. We rarely spoke. Communication was via a notebook with letters scribbled all over it, I don't remember 80% of what was written, but I do remember I asked her very often (And she to me) whether she wanted sweets, she likes chewing gum for some odd reason. She also brings along some to share, sometimes. If the notebook was still here no doubt it will just evoke a sense of pointless melancholic valour in me. I accept the lost of the memories contained in those papers because I wanted to move on. Seeing her again makes me want to slap myself for losing that small pocketbook. Contradictory? I guess so. I'm like that.

The second one was my constant infatuation with her... errr... Hair. It's weird, but it is the first thing that I notice when I meet anyone of the opposite gender, if she doesn't have nice hair, I stay away. This particular girl was the only one or my peer-age of which the hair I touched. I sound borderline psychotic now. *Mad Laugh*. Of which I actually requested to touch her hair, and proceeded to ask what would've happen if I didn't ask. Now that I think of it, I am crazy. I wonder if I'm cured now. :P

Guess what. I met her again. I even got her phone number, but I dare not approach. Dangerous little game I'm trying to play, especially when I have the mental capacity of a hamster, minus the cuteness. Will my brain end up as a tiny prune when I get all the emotional and intellgence berjabbles drained out of me? I'm such a peabrain. Someone pray tell me that it's normal to find someone you really like but is (Somewhat) unreachable, because I have such an inferiority complex.

"Sometimes, it takes strength to dream"

A dreamer will always wake up and realize what was lost as a tribute to reality. I was such a dreamer. Four years ago, a very fateful day in March, at seven O'clock. I boarded a bus with my home as destination. A Form 1 student, after a long day, in a bus, heading home. As uneventful as it ever can be.

An empty seat. I walked towards it, only to have a senior from my school hold me off. "There's someone there.". I was confused, but I did not question him, all of this was still new to me, a change in enviroment sometimes does that to people. Funny how an empty seat can nag at you for 45 minutes. When a girl suddenly materialized in the seat, everything was demystified. She was sleeping in a weird, uncomfortable position; at least that's how it looked to me, that enabled her to vanish from immediate view. She had a very small frame, smaller than I was then. She had a simple, clean quality about her, a very neat ponytail with a generic white hair clip holding up her bangs. She had a small, rounded face, her eyes were clear and bright, she had very balanced features. She wore the prefect's uniform for a nearby school, a white shirt and a dark, navy blue skirt. Not much was exceptional nor special about her. There was just an air of simplicity about her that attracted me, might I say, very much.

"Who's that?" I asked timidly, I was only thirteen, a very small age. My interest was piqued by the smart and clean look of this girl. My senior was much more than helpful, he introduced me to his friend, this particular girl. The conversation was simple, basic, nothing specific, but through the conversation I had the feeling that the girl was every bit as shy as I was, only the incessant chatterings of my senior broke the ice. Being the inquirer I was, I really failed myself, I returned home that day with only slight information about her, not even her name was in my grasp.
For that particular year, a whole year. It was the same. Work from school did not allow me much time to think about myself. I wasn't exactly a young man looking to score a lady either, there was no reason to socialize, so I didn't. Now I regret every second I had with her that I had kept quiet, every second that I looked away from her face, every second out of her presence. Out of the few conversations I actually initiated with her, I only found out a partial of her name.

PS: Will have more... but... take note that our meeting was neither spectacular nor special -it was to me, enough to be made into a story- to be blessed by the longevity of words, may she be blessed with the beauty for an eternity from my compositions. Wishfully thinking, I hope I can meet her again, perhaps a conversation, perhaps just a glimpse, just a glance... Perhaps, there might be something more; perhaps, there isn't.

To myself and to the world. I am officially 17 years old as of 4th of January 2007.

Year 2006 is now officially over. Thank god, that particular year was a damned sleeper hold with a vengeance. I didn't even realize what I did for the past 8 months, much less having the slightest clue on where I'm headed towards in a few years time. Mayhaps I'll actually be able to secure a Social Psy Course in a local varsity or something, it's prolly close to impossible, but possible, none-the-less.

I'm finally going to have my SPM examinations soon, 11 months to be exact. It only means I'm going to update this blog even more scarcely due to the amount of work I have to do. Have to do, not -will- do. :P

Anyways, that's it for today's filler post. Just for kicks.

Yes, the world we're living in is a lie, a big, fat, obnoxious, darker than obsidian, incredibly essential, white lie. I don't know whether such a sentence with so much contradiction to itself is actually literately possible, but (if I say) I don't care (I'm lying.).

The world is flat, the authorities believed, and they stuck to it. Many scholars, astronomists lived a rejected life because their ideas were shunned aside, even though evidence was present, very much literally in their faces. Finally, when more people gain this alternate vision of a spherical world (Still The Earth.) and more research is done, authorities have to give in to the facts. The world is spherical. The same happened with "What is the world" aka Universe. Earth was not the center of this star system, not everything is revolving around earth. The scriptures said otherwise. Once again, science prevailed, because it is the truth, it is facts.

Religions, scriptures centuries, millenias of age. To me, they are more or less an elaborate lie. It is something for you to believe in, but they are a lie nonetheless. I myself is Christian (This is another chapter of my life. will explain if got time.) Yet I do not believe those miracles performed, those stories, those "Historical" stories. The Bible itself, I believe, have gone through many different stages, from it's purest, untouched form containing pure truths and no lies, to brainwashers to boost confidence and shapes your mindset to believe in "God's Word". Perhaps, they were lies in the first place, scriptures written by humans, no doubt must be in a way affected by the writer's mindset. What makes this even more compelling is the fact that each word in the Bible, was picked carefully and meticulously, to ensure that the religion lives. A religion, polished through hardships, presents a golden trophy for the faith of humanity in god. Yet no one realized that, at the bottom of the trophy, it writes "The most elaborate half-truth ever spun.".

False believes are, Succubi, demons, UFOs, ESP, the Supernatural, Poltergeists, and the like. These are, in truth, false, not because that they are pointless, but because they are impossible to detect, to find out, to proof, to become a fact. They are unproofable, they are "Fool-proof", not as much as the Holy Words, but to an extent where people will hold on to it till they die, and they spread like wildfire to all corners of the globe, without a pattern, with mutations. Like viruses. A neverending stream of perpetual negative energies, always self sufficient.
Pop-rocks killed Mikey. An urban legend, yet no one really understands why this might've have happened, they just believe, without any sliver of proof. Correct, baseless assumptions and ignorance makes fallacies, no intelligence needed. A misunderstanding of cause and result, a misunderstanding that evolved to uncontrollable mass. A wrongful interpretation mixed with personal bias. A true heart that seeked a lie.

Lies are essential in our lives, because without lies we would not be able to have the faith to live on, yet we let lies to lead our heart. Our heart itself lies, contradict and counters itself, but what can we do? Nothing, absulutely naught can be done, that is the fallibility of the human conscious.
This was made in August, but was not posted, because even to me it seemed offensive. Nonetheless, the internet itself is offensive enough. Public won't mind another offensive post when it's not even read. A falling tree in an empty forest makes no sound.

PS: And yes, I lied. This is obviously not a part of my life's "tranquilities". But meh.

Surprise, an update, There's actually much more that I've written than those that are published here, but they were not published for the same reason everytime, that is, I've encountered my pseudo-split personality affliction again, and again, and again. This time however, is different. I'm pseudo-bipolar now. ;P

Not that I'm really afflicted with these kind of psychosis related diseases, it's more likely that my psychokenetic energies (Similar to those encountered in Silent Hill) projected has changed my perception of the world into a composite of the exact opposites from what is real. Perhaps I -am- crazy. I am not under the influence of illusions or hallucinations (As the title of the blog implies) when I type up each of my many/few posts but more likely, when I actually post in my blog, I am actively undergoing a change of perceptions, world-view and subjective values. Causing the uprise of an opinion, -my- opinion. Most of the time my opinions on most things will not differ much from the initial evaluation I gave it. Hence the pseudo-spilt personality disorder, the views will differ, often times vastly, between each manifestation of my weird thought process, but most of the time they are limited to real world constraints.

Recently. I figured that there are no in-betweens between the realm of light and dark. That particular gray area of neither right nor wrong was always a fantasy. This is different from the "Not part of solution = problem" absolute, it's closer to "Subjective-Objective Perspective". Geddit? So, I've learned to watch and comment on things based on this truth, therefore creating the pseudo-bipolar, views that differ from each other so greatly it's considered as the two extremes. I haven't put the pseudo-bipolar perspective into gear yet, only a few matters that have earned this weird treatnent from my crazy mind, but I intend to use it to my advantage ater on in life. I guess.

Meanwhile, au revoir. I intend on telling you more about this new grid system in my brain when I have more time to finish constructing it. Don't take me seriously though, I'm crazy. :P

Oh, My, Gawd.

I found 1(!) comment in 1(!) of my posts! I FEEL SO APPRECIATED~! XD

So, I'm going to give you (The one that posted a comment.) a grand cookie. *Hands Jon a cookie with chips lined up to form the word "grand"*

Anyways, thank you! I shall now continue with my post.

What is a disaster? A disaster is when you can't find the bread to go with your jam, when you can't find the laces to your shoes or when you can't find the most basic and essential necessities of life to go with your overly complex ways of thought. Why such a definition? It is not an official source, it is not even a generally accepted philosophy, yet I am saying such, why?

Because, a disaster is not the instance where the world is going to end, a disaster is when one loses (Metaphorically) it's most basic structure, it's role, it's actions, it's speech and most of all, it's mind. Disaster is not when the war in Lebanon killed thousands, disaster is not another crappy "Anti-terrorist" policy pushed by the American President, disaster is not the red indices you see on your Bank Account Statements.

Disaster is what is happening in the minds of people. Disaster is when people lose themselves to the general peers, disaster is when each person loses himself in order to fit in, disaster is when a whole goverment has to change policies to "safeguard homeland security". Why are those disasters? Because disasters, crises and catastrophes are man made, there's a reason why the many furies of mother nature are called "Natural Disasters" you know. ;P

Disaster is what you make out of it. The instant you lose yourself to an unfortunate circumstance, it's a disaster, no matter the scale of the event. The moment you pass a bill on initiating a war to respond to a Terrorist act, it's a disaster (Although the scale is much different.)

BUT! I'm not saying that we can avoid disasters... We can't. That's the ironic truth, disasters are completely man-made, yet we couldn't stop making them, simply because... We need them. Disaster is when a basic necessity is lacking, yet disasters itself are necessities. They help the growth of a human's intellectual bank, they cultivate the brightness of that puny little candle we call hope. Where there is darkness there is also light, we must have darkness in order to see light. This is a concept I hold strongly onto, the Yin-Yang theories, the opposites cannot exist without each other.


Now here's a post without any point at all, just because I felt like it, I wrote such an article without thinking much of it's grammar, it's articulation nor it's general aesthetics of pretty words. I guess I did alright, I'll give it 5/10. 'Cause even I myself didn't see much of a point in posting this. XD

Post took: 23 minutes.

Thank you for your time.

Yuki, grey from being trodden on and mixed with grit and mud, has melted, it prays for the day of salvation when the sun is strong enough to shine on it, to embrace Yuki with it's radiant golden rays. To free Yuki's bond from the grit and mud, to let it flow as a freer form, as water, to somewhere better, to somewhere nice, until once again, mother beckons for it to rise in the air and look again, at the lives and lights of the world on a higher perspective. Till then, Yuki will just have to stay on the ground, looking up, eternally contemplating on how it feels like to be so high up, only to do the opposite when it is in the sky.

Gawdamn

Not that I have any gripes about anything bad enough to warrant an eternal damnation in the flaming depths of hell. I just felt like it.

Back to our post... Oh yes, I'm updating! A week too late, but it's an update anyways. I just thought that there wouldn't be anyone here to care. Well, my thoughts were right. There's no one here.

School has been exceptionally normal as of the last two weeks. No teacher scolded me, none of the activities has backfired and I'm still alive. Thank god. However, I've been thinking alot about the past lately. Something a very nice frenger told me, "I think too fast and store too little." I'm currently learning to store my thoughts on paper now to create a huge backlog for this little space. Soon, I'll tell you my thoughts on Time, Human and Good. :P

Do not be keep silent if you are offenced by the next update. Comparing such magnificent items such as Time, People and Good to disgusting items is just what happened to occur in my mind at that moment of time, I do not feel that the negative view I present in my next update is or by any chance close to what really is true, but it is a alternate view nonetheless. If it offends you, pray tell why and what should I do about it, without your input, I will not be able to know what exactly do other people think about it, therefore I would not be able to admit, change and never repeat my mistake.

Well, after a few months of inactivity, I suddenly felt the urge to write something, from DotA Fanfics to my own (Fanfic) and this blog. Mostly due to my ignorance on the amount I'm actually writing both on paper and electronically. Therefore I'm going to make up for my lack of updates on this blog, at least for a month... I assume that by forcing myself to update this place every few days, I might eventually gain the habit of posting regularly (Hopefully). I might even get some people in here (Unlikely). Although, sadly, this place is devoid of people, it is still the space of which the tranquilities* of my life are written, only through literature (AHEM~!) I can immortalize my thoughts, even though I might soon forget what I thought so many years ago or blogging may go out of trend, my little corner of this 8932786453 sided polygon called internet might still be here (Baseless assumption.).

*: A footnote in a blog? That's really weird. I justify the word "tranquility" (Maybe "happy" might be more apt) by not making posts which record my dismay and/or disagreement on the fairness of life. Who ever claimed life was fair anyways.However tranquil and clear my thoughts are. However smart or however high is my Emotional Quotient, I heavily doubt that I can completely ignore the lopsided fairness of life, I can, however, live with it (Once again, hopefully.).

BMTribute has failed, I've decided to ditch the project as people nowadays are very much more resourceful than I have thought. The BMSes that I release are mostly already quite old and dispersed through the net via more accesible means than a solo user and a crappy file hosting service (A rant, Yousendit sucks.). So instead of posting in BMT, I've decided to post here instead, featuring not much of constructive intellectual property other than yours truly. I have also decided, in a flurry of thoughts when I was sitting there so amazingly quiet on my bed thinking about the temperature, that I should change the direction I'm trying to take in this blog, I've always wanted to document my short periods of ego enchancing (or the opposite) moments in my life. Perhaps not the best way to attract readers, but with this cutesy space so devoid of visitors, I doubt it can get any worse (They can't possibly give me negative visitor counts, can they?). Why bother myself with the concept "The more the merrier"?

In the last few weeks I did not play any online games, not O2, not RO, not any other combinations of capital alphanumeric letters. What I did play was Defence of the Ancients with my (Really noobish) Classmates, I owned them, for a few matches, before they gained the newfound knowledge that power is in numbers. I got owned backwards till my pelvis ached from the constant falls off my chair on the floor due to the fact that I'm actually being owned till the point of scariness (Did I suck or did they rock?). Now I'm planning my revenge, I shall improve my communication skills to achieve a higher level of teamwork to conquer their equivalent. I don't think it's actually possible though, I really suck at this particular aspect of team oriented games. Nonetheless, I hope Dota might actually improve my mentality as a player and a gamer, multiplayer games highly depend on teamwork, which is exactly what I lack.

Last week, on Saturday (Friday in the states), I returned to my dearest arcade and the one cabinet I started visiting arcades for: EZ2DJ. It is still the best beatgame I've played so far and it still has the highest integrity of the Holy Trinity principle* of beatgames (Visuals, Music and Artistic Values). To my dismay my skills did not improve. As my skills in O2 has reached it's plateau, so is the fate of my Ez2dj skills (I feared as much). I did not feel sad, nor did I feel disappointed, for it is just a game that I enjoy, not by conquering it, but because of the sheer joy of being able to listen to some quality music (I cannot resist the urge to move my body to the music though) and being able to appreciate the existence of this particular machine, to have contributed much to my memories and experience (In life), this machine had given me some dear friends (A and B are my dearest friends, you know who you are), a few onlookers (N, H, R, Y, just to name a few), a few ememies (I wish not to name any), and most important of all, it gave me a reason to dance when no one's looking, the appreciation of music I savour now, the attention to detail when I face a crisis. It's quite amazing what an arcade machine can bring to you. I thank music, all music, to have brought me up a perfectly fine young gentleman. I also truly and sincerely thank A for providing me with such music, and B for providing an alternative insight into my own life. I hope both of you receives my silent wishes of your wellbeing.

*:The Trinity is a pseudo-theory of mine, not proven and not universally true, but I hold on to my beliefs that The Trinity is what makes a beatgame playable and enjoyable.

Roadworks. This Monday, work was carried out by the DBKL (Something like a town municipal, I think) to put trees down on the road towards the main street at my place, mainly due to the tree's tendency to bend over and hump the ground on a weekly basis (When there's rain and winds, obviously). I've always appreciated the clean and fresh air that I breathe in and exhale every morning when I head to school, I've always taken it for granted, what I smell now is the smell of rotting green. (As the people that cut down the trees are imprudent enough to leave the foilage there till this point of time.) I do not understand the sadness I feel when I see the bare trunks of these trees, nor do I understand the fact that I feel compassion for trees. I've always thought that trees were a blessing, shielding me from the harsh sun above the equator, giving out oxygen. I never appreciated them. I never thanked them, nor did I ever touched any one of them. I did it once this morning in the deafening silence of darkness (6.30 AM, The sun does not rise early in Malaysia.) and I felt... There were no tingly sensations, no fresh air, no gentle coolness. Nothing that I felt just in the presence of a tree before was present. I do not know what should I feel from this, but I felt a sadness tugging at my thoughts to return to the trees. I did not stay for long in the presence of these deformed trunks. I went to school.

That is where I'm going to end today's update, the sudden change in emotion for this article was because of the lengthened time I spent on this particular post. I cannot bring myself to ignore these feelings of sadness that get sparked at the littlest of problems, but I can accept these emotions as proof that I am only human, the thought bring some peace and tranquility to my mind.

As I have mentioned earlier, I will continue to update this place, if I don't, feel free to bombard me with nudges on MSN or crazy spams in my e-mail inbox. :P