Hallucinations

I'm pretty sure anyone with an eye or more should be able to see that this blog is almost deserted, posts take months to be updated, no one leave comments etc.

I want to change that. However, I've finally realized things that I should have years ago.

I have no material.

To an artist, nothing pains him so much as to give him inspiration and nothing to draw on. In my case, I have thoughts, words to be spoken. However, no method in preserving them. Therefore you don't see my posts being recollection of memories, because I am incapable. My posts are mere contemplations on recollections. Something anyone with an imagination can do. I have put thoughts into words many times before, however I have not found a solution to one very simple problem a friend pointed out by a penetrating gaze through my works. I think fast, but I write slow. In addition to that, the barrage of thoughts in my head is usually cluttered and unorganized. Hence you see poorly structured sentences.

I get derailed easily.

I write with pen and paper, pencil would be the best, because I enjoy solitude when I use those tools, be it in my own room or a table in a public place. For blog posts, I use my computer. When I use my computer, I can compose a simple prose, only to have it ruined because outsiders are disturbing me. As I type this, 5 minutes ago I was going to write something about Transcience and Ephemeral elements of life. Now I'm ranting. Because I was disturbed. Honestly, if I weren't disturbed by a family member, I'd have shouted profanities. My logical train of thought moves quickly, therefore, derailment is much more severe when it happens.

I have no skills.

To humble any author, put him in a library. I couldn't agree more. I have read pretty much anything from casual compositions to elaborately woven stories of dragons and knights. I find my own writings absolutely horrendous. I believe that horrendous is an understatement. At times I struggle for adjectives, punctuations, even adverbs. This kind of sloppiness should not be tolerated. Even if this is the internet, there's still standards. Being Malaysian doesn't mean I can get away with a lower standard in english. It simply does not work. I cannot lie to myself. Stop telling me I have good english. I don't. As many times I try to convince myself that my english is better than my peers, the same amount of times I would look at fictional stories by other members of the intellectual society and weep.

I am wrong.

In many cases. This is the case. I would end up contradicting myself. In the end it's all bullshit. That's all I'm going to say on this point.

If you've been wondering why I do not update the blog frequently, there you go. Reasons.